Tales of Lea Monde
by Nimmy
Summary: Hmm... another humorous one. I really should do some serious fics. This is fun, so read and review! ^v^


Now, this is all rather silly and pointless, but I always wondered what it would be like if Sydney and Ashley actually got- well, anyway, you better read it to see what I mean. This is how I think it may have happened, in a slightly-less-than-romantic way.

SHOUNEN AI! But not as much as part three, which is still in process and is steadily getting more like a citrus by the minute... ^v^;;

TALES OF LEA MONDE   (PARTS 1 & 2)

Bang! Bang! Bang!

"Who on earth is that, making such a racket at this unearthly  hour?!"

"It's Ashley, let me in, Syd!"

"Oh, Ashley!!" Sydney hopped on the spot, clapping his metal hands together excitedly. "I'm sorry I snapped!" he rushed over to the door and flung it open, smiling broadly at the young man who stepped inside. "Ashley, it's so nice of you to come visit me, what a surprise!" Sydney squealed.

Ashley blinked at him. "But... you called and asked me to come..."

Sydney tittered as he pushed Ashley further inside and steered him towards a table with a couple of chairs next to it. "Of course, how silly of me! Now, would you like a drink? Some of my special Lea Monde Lemonade, perhaps?!"

Ashley sat down in one of the chairs. "Erm, lovely. What was it you wanted to see me about?"

Sydney stylishly poured two glasses of Lemonade and set one almost lovingly in front of Ashley. "Well Ashley... I'm glad you asked me that. I have a proposal to make to you..."

Ashley sipped the lemonade and gave an approving nod to the camera. "Mm, Syd! That sure is good lemonade! Where did you say I could buy it?" he smiles at the camera.

Sydney frowns. "You can't make it, it's my recipe. And what do you think this is, the shopping channel?"

Ashley blinks. "You mean it isn't?"

"No!" Sydney said, giving Ashley a strange look. "And did you hear what I said?"

"Yeah, you have a proposal to make to me. Another of your mad business franchises?" He sips the lemonade. "Although I'd have to agree with you if it was this lemonade you were gonna sell. It's like liquid gold!"

Sydney shakes his head. "Hell-LO! **_Not_** shopping channel!" 

Ashley scratched his head. "Oh yeah. Heh."

Sydney sighed. "Anyway, yes, a proposal. But not a business one!"

Ashley raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Sydney smiled and clasped his hands. "I want you to marry me!"

Ashley spluttered his lemonade. "W-what?! Um, Sydney! Have you gone mental? Or even slightly barmy? What do you mean, marry you?!"

"But you know it sounds right! We're perfect for each other!" Syd flings his steel arms round Ashley in a crushing embrace. "And I know you're in love with me Ashley, there's no point denying it!"

"B-but..!!" Ashley stammered. "I-I'm not r-ready for m-marriage!"

"Don't be silly! Of course you are, and you will make a magnificent husband. Why, I've even planned our honeymoon! And we'll have lots and lots of children!"

Ashley spluttered. "Wh-wh-what?!? Children?! How do you work that one out?!"

Sydney looked disgruntled. "What's so confusing about that? How hard is it to have children?"

"Well firstly, look at you!!" Ashley fairly shrieked. 

"What's wrong with me?"

Ashley shook his head. "A distinct lack of a place from which to have children, or any female organs whatsoever, actually!"

"I can have IVF!"

"No you can't. Do you know why? You're a GUY! You'll NEVER be able to have kids, because you'll NEVER grow a uterus!!!"

Sydney dabbed his eyes with a hanky and sniffled. "You can be so cruel, Ashley Riot! How do you expect me to agree to marry you when you're so horrid to me?"

Ashley clamped his hands to his temples in exasperation. "But YOU proposed to ME!"

"And, your point is..?" Sniffled Sydney.

Ashley shook his head. "I- Never mind!!"

Sydney blew his nose on the hanky. "But even though I can't have children... you still love me, don't you? You won't leave me, will you?"

Ashley knelt next to Sydney's chair and patted his shoulder. "Of course I won't leave you..." He frowns and stands up. "What am I saying?! We were never together in the first place...!"

Sydney sighed and stood up. "I'm sorry Ashley. I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to this..." He began to take steps toward Ashley. Ashley began to back away.

"R-resort to..? What do you mean? ....Syd?"

Sydney smiled. "Oh, you can't have forgotten. I have the power to push my will onto others, make them do as I like..." He shot forward and wound his arms around Ashley. "You can't resist me, Ashley... you love me..."

Ashley's eyes were blank as he gazed into Sydney's. "Can't resist.... I love..." He repeated in a monotone voice. 

Sydney snickered. "There's a good boy. Now, propose to me!"

Ashley woodenly sank to one knee and pulled his own ring off his finger and presented it to Sydney, who was blushing and giggling hysterically. "Why Ashley, what are you doing on bended knee like that?" He tittered.

Ashley lifted Sydney's left hand (well, claw) and slipped the ring (with difficulty) onto his long razor of a finger, managing to cut himself a couple of times. "Sydney, will you be my wife?"

Sydney sighed as he admired the ring on his talon. "Hmm, well I don't usually date guys who have been married before..."

"I haven't, if you remember. It turned out I was the killer of an innocent family."

"Oh yeah! In that case, yes! Yes, yes!!"

Ashley came out of his trance. He blinked a few times. "Whoa, what happened? Hey, you're wearing my ring!"

Sydney tittered. "You asked me to marry you, and I said yes! This is my engagement ring!"

Ashley groaned. "Oh boy, do I get myself into some situations..."

~FIN~

PART TWO

The day finally came when Ashley and Sydney were due to be wed.

Ashley had the jitters, to say the least. 

Hardin had been appointed best man, and was tying Ashley's bowtie as Ashley tried to calm himself.

"You're a lucky fellow, Ashley..." Said Hardin. "Sydney's a good catch for anyone, even a good-looking guy like yourself. You make sure you treat him well and look after him, right? I don't wanna see Sydney get hurt..."

Ashley was breaking out in a cold sweat. "B-but I don't wanna marry-"

Hardin shushed him. "Come on, now. Every guy gets pre wedding nerves. It's natural."

"But I-"

"Ashley! Get a hold of yourself, you're being silly. Now, where did I put the ring, ah... it's on the table..." Hardin left the room. Ashley gulped. There was no escape.

Merlose was fussing round Sydney, adjusting his veil and bouquet of flowers, chattering and rattling on excitedly.

Sydney wasn't listening to her. He sighed and sniffed his bouquet of flowers, thinking of Ashley and all the happy years that they were to spend together.

"Sydney?"

"Mm? Oh, sorry... what is it?"

Merlose smiled and shook her head. "Daydreaming, eh? I can't blame you. I was asking whether you wanted pink or white confetti."

Sydney frowned. "Hmmm....." He stroked his chin in contemplation. "Pink or white.. I think it shall have to be white. More wedding-like, isn't it?"

"Oh, absolutely! I was going to suggest white myself. I didn't want to influence your decision."

"How thoughtful of you dear!" Sydney kissed Merlose on the cheek.

Yes, this was going to be the white wedding of his dreams.

"How the hell did I get into this mess? Why the hell am I wearing this damn suit? Why the hell am I standing at this altar?!?" Ashley asked himself in a panic as he stood before the priest, listening in horror as the organ music started in that familiar tune.

Beads of cold sweat running down his face, he turned slowly in horror to behold the bearer of his fate.

There was Sydney in a long white veil, carrying a bouquet of flowers as he proceeded up the aisle. Ashley blinked. Under the veil Sydney was just wearing his usual outfit; the black pants with the waist cloak and no top. This was getting stranger and stranger.

Hardin, who was standing next to Ashley, gave him a small poke in the side and smiled, motioning with his head toward the approaching Sydney. "Are you excited? Nervous?" Hardin whispered to Ashley.

"I'm terrified!!" Ashley replied, meaning it in a very real sense.

Hardin chuckled and was about to reply when Sydney arrived at the altar, standing demurely beside Ashley with a shy smile and blushing cheeks under the veil.

Merlose, who was standing near Sydney as bridesmaid gave Ashley a grin and a thumbs-up.

Ashley gulped and looked at the priest as he started the ceremony.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of Mullenkamp-"

Ashley blinked. "Mullenkamp?"

"What did you expect? Sydney still worships Mullenkamp, even though the cult thing was a ruse." Hardin whispered.

A colossal roar of "Hail Mullenkamp!" came from the bride's side of the church. A loud "Boooo!" came from the other side. 

Hardin sighed. "I wish the Valendians and the Mullenkamp cultists would just try to get along for today." He paused. "Why did you invite the crimson blades anyway?"

Ashley shook his head. "I couldn't think of anyone else to invite!"

Zombie Grissom hurled one of his feet at the Mullenkamp cultists and knocked one out with it. An Orc that was standing next to the cultist hurled its sword at Grissom and sliced off his head.

"Enough!" Hardin shouted, and both sides went quiet.   

The old priest didn't even seem to have noticed the disturbance. He just carried on where he left off.

"We are gathered here in the presence of Mullenkamp to-"

"Boo."

"Shh!"

"In the presence of Mullenkamp to witness the joining of these two bishies in unholy matrimony."

Sydney sighed in delight under his veil.

Ashley felt his palms sweating and wiped them on his pants.

The old priest turned the page of his book. "Do you Sydney Losstarot, take this bishie to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till the end of the world do you part?"

Sydney wiped a tear from his eye. "I do! I do!"

The priest turned to Ashley who was beginning to shake with fear. Sweat was pouring down his face and neck. 

"Do you Ashley Riot, take this slightly effeminate bishie to be your lawfully wedded... partner, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till the end of the world do you part?"

Ashley's eye began to twitch. Just say no, he told himself. No...

Sydney turned his head and his eyes bore into Ashley's.

No! He's going to make me say...

"I do." The words came out of Ashley's mouth before he knew about it and he covered his mouth in shock.

Sydney smiled to himself.

Strangely, the priest seemed to skip the bit where he asks if anybody if they object to the union. Ashley became highly suspicious that Sydney's will-bending powers were at work in this wedding.

"Does the best man have the ring?" The old priest croaked.

Hardin dug in his pocket. Ashley was hoping maybe he'd lost it. To his horror and indeed terror, Hardin pulled the ring out and handed it to Ashley.

The priest looked at Ashley. "Now repeat after me. With this ring I thee wed..."

Ashley took a large gulp and lifted Sydney's claw. "W-with this r-ring I-I thee w-w-wed..." 

The priest frowned and scratched his head. "Hmm... it seems I've mixed up the lines here somewhat. I think you were supposed to say that "love and cherish, have and to hold" thing _here_."

The entire nave groaned. A few crimson blades and cultists started throwing things at each other again.

"STOP IT!" Hardin roared. Silence, except for a few coughs.

Sydney scowled at the priest. "You dithering old fool! How **dare** you ruin our wedding!" He sighed and closed his eyes. "Never mind. Just get on with it."

It took a poke in the ribs from Hardin to prompt Ashley to put the ring on Sydney's clawed finger, once again cutting himself in the process. 

Merlose calmly handed him a handkerchief, which he thanked her for and wrapped around the bleeding digit.

"I now pronounce you husband and...er, husband and...erm... I now pronounce you married." The priest said quickly. "You may now kiss the... erm... you may now kiss... y'can kiss 'im."

Sydney ripped his own veil off and threw himself on Ashley, who was already in a panic. They crashed to the floor with a thud, a slightly unenthusiastic clapping came from the guests.

"Hurray."

As everyone gathered outside the church for the wedding photo, Ashley's fate began to dawn on him. This was the first day of the rest of his life married to Sydney Losstarot.

"Sydney _Riot_." Sydney chided him, dipping into his thoughts.

"Oh yeah. I forgot you could do that." Ashley replied sullenly.

But worse yet to come was the honeymoon....

FINI 


End file.
